Wow.

Before I begin this review – I need to clarify my use of the word… RETARDED. This is, by no means to infer that I am talking about those with actual mental handicaps. Rather – I’m using the word to describe the relaxed mental faculties willingly exercised via apparent influence by huffing paint or markers… possible addiction to crack… or an apparent ether binge. This is self-inflicted retardation.

You see – I’ve tried to think of the proper term to describe the utter lack of basic intelligence that went into the making of 10,000 B.C. I flirted with the term… DAFT – but it just didn’t quite seem to be the right thump. So I went to Thesaurus.Com – Retarded and learned that I could use the following phrases: backward, birdbrained, defective, dim, dim-witted, dopey, dull, dumbbell, dumbo, dumdum, dummy, exceptional, feeble-minded, gorked (I like that one), half-witted, held back, imbecile, lamebrained, mentally defective, moronic, numbskull, opaque, pinhead, retardo, sappy, simple, simple-minded, slow, slow-witted, stupid, subnormal, touched, underachieving, weak or yo-yo.

Frankly – none of those really feel right. You see… 10,000 B.C. is blissfully retarded.

You see, I thoroughly enjoyed my time in the theater. Oh sure – the film is retarded… but blissfully so. Nevermind the basic concept that a German filmmaker has constructed a film that apparently claims that it wasn’t Jewish Slaves that created the great pyramids of Giza, but rather – an ethnically diverse group of spear-chunking cavemen and wooly mammoths. This in the same week that the Israelis claim that Moses was on psychoactive drugs on Mt Sinai when he had conversations with the burning bush. OUCH.

Ok – let’s start at the beginning of this film. It starts off fine. Basically. There’s an old psychic woman that makes a prophecy that on the “last hunt” that the hunter that kills the big mammoth – gets the blue-eyed girl. But that she and a great many people will be captured by “four-legged demons” and that hunter and blue-eyed girl would eventually save the future of their people.

Ok – I’ve no problem with that prophecy… in fact it motivates the young to want to kill the wooly mammoth to get the hot girl. And sure enough our hero, D’Leh (played by SKY HIGH’s Steven Strait), kills the big furry elephant – but he feels he didn’t do it honorably or bravely so he decides he shouldn’t get to claim the girl he loves, Evolet (played by Camilla Belle). However, soon 4-legged Demons (dudes on horses) swoop in all CONAN fashion and take his wet dream away.

Now that his pussy is in danger, he’s motivated. And folks – let me tell you. Camilla Belle is at least 7 points on a scale of 1-10 – hotter than any other girl in this film… so you can absolutely believe that a young hot dude would fight giant killer ostriches and tame saber-tooth kitty cats… and fight a GOD to claim the hottest piece of ass circa 10,000 B.C.

I don’t really have a problem with that plot arc. You know – in ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. – the whole plot was that everyone wanted to fuck Racquel Welch because she was the only blonde of the time. I mean, cavemen of every tribe wanted her… ground based dinosaurs wanted her, giant sea turtles wanted her and flying dinosaurs wanted her. In fact – in most of these early civilization adventure movies – it always comes down to getting your hot babe back.

It’s the heart of this genre.

For much of the film – I’m basically satisfied with what is basically… a Ray Harryhausen film. I like the wooly mammoths, the giant ostriches and the sabre-toothed tiger. That’s cool.

In fact, in the trailer – you know how D’Leh has a face down with a Sabre Toothed Tiger? Actually – the film gets very Aesop Fable / He-Man and BattleCat… D’Leh saves the Tiger from a death trap – and the Tiger seems to want to be his friend. But after one additional scene where the tiger identifies him as having “magical powers” – the most awesome creature of the film… is never seen again.

OK – let’s see… you’re making a bullshit film about a make-believe universe… you build a relationship between Boy-Man and a pet Sabre-Toothed Tiger – and you just blow it off. Fuck that. Let’s get fucking KA-ZAR here man. I mean seriously – how badass is a a guy with a mean cool White Spear and a pet Sabre-toothed Cat? Right?

But no. They didn’t have the courage to completely rip-off Bob Byrd or Marvel Comics… I suppose I should respect that, but seriously… when will someone step up and make a KA-ZAR film? Right… fucking never. They were “this close” to going fucking KA-ZAR… and dropped the ball. GOD DAMN IT!

Instead – he trades a badass Sabre-toothed Tiger for an army of spear-armed warriors. And at this point – while it does annoy me… I’m still along for the ride.

Now I want to point out – at this point the film is not spared Emmerich’s astonishing gifts of retardedness. For some inexplicable reason, Roland has a character called OLD MOTHER – the clan’s psychic witch lady. When D’Leh goes off on his quest for pussy… she goes into a trance – and any time that D’Leh survives an intense confrontation… Sabre-Toothed Tiger – Killer Giant Ostriches and just battles with bad guys… They’ll cut from his moment of survival to OLD MOTHER – with a dumbfounded look on her face and possibly fainting.

I SHIT YOU NOT. The audience howled in laughter – and I believe Roland did this on purpose for levity – but it’s absolutely RETARDED and unnecessary.

Now – as soon as D’Leh gets his army and sets off across the desert – the film is inching closer and closer to marker snorting territory. There was no reason to bring the pyramids of Giza into this story. And the mysteriously tall cloaked figure that is either a space alien or an Atlantean… seriously – that’s the legend in the movie… who is eagerly trying to finish building the great pyramid of Giza… why? Who knows. But apparently the Space Atlantean (who is never clearly seen) likes to work with Albino slaves. Something that caused laughter in the theater.

The last 30-40 minutes of this movie are 100% retarded 100% of the time. But ya know what – it’s fun retarded. Does it insult your intelligence, absolutely. Does it cause eye-rolling, absolutely. That said – this is blissfully retarded. The sort of film that is a six-pack delight. This is a knee-slapper. Seriously – you and your friends can laugh your ass off – the rest of the night over this hum-dinger.

It’s a sharp looking film, all of Roland’s films are. The film does have some sort of vague intelligence trying to be heard between the big retarded huge honkers… this is a film about civilization struggling with industrial corruption and climate change… and ultimately the cure for surviving was International relations and trade. Ahem. But that’s really really underscored… this film is basically GRAPE APE. A big retarded cartoon. I really can’t believe it’s ultimately about a plot to build the pyramids of Giza by a decrepit alien Atlantean…. Re-fucking-Tarded.