Ahoy, squirts! The crusty seaman, Quint, here with a look at TNT's upcoming 4-hour miniseries take on Stephen King's book, 'Salem's Lot. It seems that I have promoted myself to guardian of King's universe as of late with my chiding of what Ehren Kruger and Dreamworks seem to be doing to THE TALISMAN, the possibility of HBO messing up THE DARK TOWER series with a Tartakovsky's directed animated series and now this...
Is it so hard to actually adapt a Stephen King book? Is it too much to ask as fans that screenwriters take the source material seriously? I mean, I figure when you take into account that millions have read these books and love these stories that when someone goes through the time and expense to adapt one to the screen that they'd take the care to make sure some of that story makes the final cut...
So, in the beginning I was very excited to see this series. I grew up with Tobe Hooper's original series, but I recognize its flaws, especially as an adaptation... BUT, and this is important, despite not being true to many of the characters in the book Hooper's film was creepy. Much like Kubrick's success with THE SHINING... Poor adaptation, but goddamn if it's not one of the creepiest movies ever made... Hooper's original took many detours, but made a horror movie with genuinely scares in it (and I'm not talking about the haircuts). You can't tell me the kid floating outside of Mark Petrie's window in the original didn't send chills up your spine.
Unfortunately, not only is Mikael Salomon's film untrue to many of the characters in the book (and ridiculously "updated," but I'll get to that in a moment), but it also fails to have any real scares, let alone creepy atmosphere. The vampires look like crap and do the rapid move thing... you know... talking behind you, the in a digital flash they're right in front of you... That's not creepy. Creepy is that damn kid floating out of the backwards swirling cloud in the '70s version.
They pulled a really good cast in for this film. I really, really loved what Rob Lowe did as Nick Andros in Mick Garris' semi-successful THE STAND. He tries to do his best here, but really isn't given much to work with. His relationship with Samantha Mathis' Susan Norton always feels so forced, so at odds with the pacing surrounding the rest of the film, that you never really feel any connection between the two.
The brilliant bit of casting, in my opinion, was James Cromwell in the role of Father Callahan (and I believe that if it were my call to make the DARK TOWER films into movies that one of my first imperatives would be to cast Cromwell once again as Callahan for the last few movies). Cromwell brings the only real depth to any character in the movie... he does it with his eyes. You get his character, you get his crisis, you get his general goodness... But even Cromwell is forced to say some embarrassing stuff... You remember in the first CHARLIE'S ANGELS film, when Matt LaBlanc is doing his movie within a movie thing and screams out, "DAMN YOU, SALAZAR!!!!!!" James Cromwell has a moment like that in the movie.
While I'm still on the topic of Father Callahan, all you Dark Tower nutters don't get fooled by the beginning of the movie. It's exciting to see Callahan at the soup kitchen and believe you're watching the first real visual interpretation of the Dark Tower novels, but you won't like where it leads.
Let's get to the royally ridiculous "updates" that are made to the story. I wouldn't mind if they wanted to update the time period a bit... I didn't mind giving Ben Mears a history in the Middle-East and a best selling non-fiction book based on his experiences there... Whatever... But why make the old school teacher a younger black dude? And on top of that, not only is he more racially appropriate, to make sure all the minorities are represented, he's also gay. Yes, that's right. Can you hear the production meeting? I believe it went something like this...
"We need to bring in the African-American audience... Why don't we make one of the characters black?" "Yes, sir! That's a brilliant idea!" "Wait, I got it! Not only will he be black, but he'll be gay! Two birds with one stone!"
Andre Braugher does a good job in that role, but unfortunately suffers from the radical changes to the character they made.
Remember Mark Petrie? Well, you won't recognize him in this movie. I don't know why the decision was made to make him a punk little piece of shit that likes to be the James Dean role... I seem to remember him being written as the geek, the kind of kid that would seclude himself for entire weekends painting his Aurora models of the Universal Classic Monsters, not some punk that has a feud with the school bus driver and acts too cool for school the rest of the time.
Donald Sutherland was an interesting casting choice. He does well, but might go a tad over the top with his character. Although, that mountain man beard he sports is fucking creepy, even if the atmosphere surrounding it isn't. I'm afraid James Mason owns that role for me. You can't get any more subtly menacing than his work in the '70s version.
I guess all that leaves is Rutger Hauer as Barlow. I like his presence... I like his look... I love Rutger Hauer as an actor... But Barlow doesn't really stand out as anything special. He never really impressed me with his Fred Astaire walk-on-walls act or anything else he did. He's a little menacing, but that's just because Rutger Hauer can't not be menacing. He's like Scary Busey in that aspect. Busey could be wearing all pink, holding lots of stuffed animals and balloons with sparkles on them and still be the scariest fucking thing in the world... shit, that pink Busey is already starting to scare me...
Anyway, count me as one disappointed fan... one of the first of many, I'll wager. TNT's mini-series not only fails to adapt the book, but fails to be a good movie. The worst thing of all is the film is dreadfully boring.
That's it from me, squirts. I'll be back soon with some mucho goodies for you, including probably my most badass interview ever... Until that day, this is the Guardian of All Things King (aka Quint) bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.
-Quint
